Believing the thoughts
I realized this morning that I've been struggling the last few weeks. And what's most interesting to me is, that in a way, I knew I was struggling. I was telling close friends that I am giving myself a hard time for not getting enough done. Specifically, not enough writing blogs, sending emails, getting over the hump of making social media reels. Not enough of making sure that people know about me, about the upcoming workshops. There was a lot of self blame.
The problem with that is not that I was having these thoughts, it's that I didn't notice that they were thoughts, just thoughts. I could hear them and share them with friends. I could vocalise it but couldn’t see it. Instead I was in it. It felt real, I was taking it as the truth, that I am not good enough, that I am not doing enough, that other people have it together, that other people are better, that other people…….... I believed the blame and believed that if I just worked harder, then I could get the things done, then I would be enough and wouldn’t need to give myself a hard time.
Luckily, as I was driving this morning, oh it was so beautiful, I had this moment of realization that I am just Human. That being human means experiencing thoughts like that. That it is nothing more than being human, nothing better, nothing worse, just human. We live in a world where people are competitive, where even if I don't realise it I am pitting myself against others. The problem is in believing the thoughts. Actually the problem is not noticing them as thoughts and therefore being fully consumed by them and thinking that they're the truth. That moment, this morning, of realization which came with tears of “Oh my God it's so tiring sometimes, to be human”. For me it is. It is hard to live in a world where we are pitted against each other, to live in a ‘better than, less than’ society. Everything is measured. In fact, that's not true, only a narrow band of skills, traits, and ways of being are actually measured. Only a narrow band of skills, traits, and ways of being are actually valued.
What is it that I value and how can I hold that when I am being fed something different?
The truth of my experience right now is that I am doing my best to turn up for my work but I'm also doing my best to turn up for my children, to cook healthy meals so that I can turn up for my body, to manage to get out in nature as well as sit at my computer, to include my spiritual practice and to connect with people. And as I write this I notice that all of those are about connection. Connection with people (including myself) and with nature and we could hone that down to ‘connection with living beings, with Life’. And if we are not here for connection, what the hell are we here for. I don't know, I don't know why we are here and the best and most beautiful reason I can imagine is that we are here to connect.
In that moment when I was driving my car and realizing that the struggle inside my body has been taking a toll, it's not that it's unpleasant or pleasant, it's that it uses unnecessary energy, my face feels tight, my head feels tight, my hands and my shoulders feel compressed. I feel like I have a permanent frown on my forehead which, of course, is not true but it feels all consuming, where it manages to rub out the beautiful moments or maybe even worse than that, make the beautiful moments hard to recognize.
And what I know in my heart is that it's OK to feel less than as long as we don't believe it. I also know that when I am with people who are being truly human I feel safe and connected. When I sit and look at the sea or I watch the clouds or I hear the birds or I feel the heat from the sun on my skin and I take it in, everything is OK. I mean everything. My tears are OK, my frustrations are OK, my self criticism is OK. Not that I want to have self-criticism. I wish I could erase it but I can't, all I can do is sit beside it, with her and hold her hand and watch the sun go down together.
So what if we stop trying so hard, what if we approach things from a forehead that is not furrowed, from shoulders that give the heart room to breathe, from a chest that does not feel nauseous or a throat that is soft and a belly that is soft. I want to move from feet that are planted on the ground, not from a mind that is driving me forward. You know, I can feel it in how I walk sometimes and I catch myself and my head is literally leading the walk, my head is literally in front of every other part of my body except maybe the tips of my toes and I go “ohh Vanessa you're doing it again hang on a second”, and I pause and I bring my head back on top of my neck and my shoulders and then I walk from my feet and my hips and my pelvis and it feels so much better. Hey, now I know what I'm gonna teach this evening I'm gonna teach The Walking lesson. And that's my point. My point is that I operate so much better when I even imagine walking from my hips like sitting on this chair, as I write this, if I imagine walking with my head leading and then pull my head back to where it belongs and stepping forward with my feet and my hips and my pelvis, my whole system just drops and all of a sudden I know what I'm doing. All of a sudden something becomes clear. It's effortless in those moments and it takes so much energy in the tight moments.
I want to live from here. Yes, I’ll include the human doubts and fears, I’ll hold their hands and bring them with me, but also from deep breath, from feet and hips and heart, where all becomes quiet and life just flows.
I just want to nod to all of the people who are close in my life to all of the people who inspire me in their humanness, not because they've achieved anything or have a million followers but in their humanness. I believe in this world, that people in all our humanness are highly under rated and that honest and authentic conversations are deeply valuable. That we are deeply valuable, just as we are.
Below is a link to what helped me see this morning, just in case you’d like to listen.