poetry

THE GIFT OF THE YOGA MAT

My yoga mat is made of rubber, it smells of rubber, a smell I never liked. When I was first given it the smell made me grimace every time I lowered myself to the floor, until eventually I understood the gift of my yoga mat. Now that smell signifies strength, my strength, not of my muscles but of my spirit. My spirit that bit by bit had been weakened by the wheel of doubt that has been encircling my mind for God knows how long now, like a predator waiting, not wanting to miss one opportune moment to pounce, constantly on the watch, ready to torture me.

My Ego was a con artist, disguised as a friend, tricking me into handing over slices of my self-confidence, of my soul, as if like a sacrifice to the Gods. My Ego was like a thief in the night, stealing into my heart to Take that confidence, that soul, that I was so rightfully born with. And with these slices seemingly gone or deeply forgotten, I was afraid, afraid to be myself, because I didn't feel whole. I didn't feel worthy of acceptance, never mind worthy of love.

My happiness was curtailed because the thoughts and words that sprung to mind, those thoughts that came from the true me, when they sprung to mind they were smothered by the seeds of doubt thrown by my Ego. Those seeds grew slowly into a tall tree, casting a shadow over me and over my spirit. Hiding my true self from me and hiding me from the world. I felt alone, I felt separate.

And then my yoga mat, as my reverse Ego, like the opposing force, was waiting until the time was right, to roll itself out under my feet, to support me when I needed it the most. To bring stillness to this wheel of doubt and a peace and quietness that has so rarely found me. And like a dear old friend My yoga mat came to show me the sun, moon and stars and my place among them. To show me that all these years that I have wanted to be minded, to be held in strong arms, I was looking out. And all that time, my own arms were here, dangling without purpose yet so desperately useful. I know now, that I can be minded by my mat, by my own arms, by my own strength and that I am self-contained. I know that I have all I need in me and that I belong right here.

I don't need a new life, or a new self, I need this one, with me at my best, which is my most honest and most true and with the wheel of doubt turned off (or at least slowing down) ready to be part of the connectedness that is waiting for me.

All my Yoga Mat has ever asked of me is to draw shapes with my body, breathe consciously and let the thoughts in my head turn into feelings in my body and in return my yoga mat has helped me see that when I feel alone, I am worthy of asking for help. It has shown me my friends and companions on this journey through life. And this has given me a wonderful sense of being together at last.

So now, I am stepping back into My Life, carrying my mat across my back like a quiver of arrows, feeling the warrior that I am. I am standing up for myself. I am keeping the gift of self-worth in my pocket, like a treasured stone from the beach, my fingers caressing it, letting it absorb into my blood and my bones.

I don't know where I have been until now, but I am back, keeping my Ego at arms-length (doing my best anyway), back with my body and my soul intact, with 2 feet flat on the ground, love in my heart, open arms and a shining light. Not everyone will love me, in fact many won't, but I'm here, I showed up with my heart on my sleeve and a smile on my face. I am home!!