The Imperfections of Being Human.
I have tried so many times to write a poem about the imperfections of being human but the poem hasn’t arrive yet. So maybe a blog is the right way to explore it. I have always been fascinated by us humans. I mean, I often wish I was a seal or maybe an Orca whale. It feels like that would be much easier. But I have always been fascinated by Humans. We are so complex. So beautiful and so ugly all at the same time. Our greed, competition and power struggles can lead us to be so hurtful and damaging. And feeling the need to be perfect I didn't incude myself in the same category as these hurtful humans. But as my life fell apart in my late 30’s I realised the ugly truth that I can be mean and judgmental. I can use cold and punishing to compete for power and my defensive parts can be hurtful. And I am definitely far from perfect.
On realising this I fell into a pit of despair, not only was my life not what I thought it was but I wasn’t who I thought I was. It was only then that I began to hear those internal voices of self-shaming and harsh words. The voices that has always been there trying so desperately to make me perfect. I am not sure if they became louder or whether I was more attuned. They were and are so strong and so subtle. Voices so quiet that they sneak in under the radar, somehow strengthening their credibility. Sometimes I can only hear them in how I plan or sometimes in my words to others, as I caveat again. Either way this new discovery was a wealth of material to work with and since then I have been exploring the why’s of these voices and how it is that I can work with them, maybe even love them just to make life a little lighter.
On top of this I was confused by my need to fit in and at the same time to live on the fringes. There are many societal norms that I am not a fan of but neither did I want to be a outcast. It often feels to me that this need, the need to belong, can bring out the worst in me somehow. My defenses and judgements, both outwardly and inwardly can be triggered at the fear of not belonging. So it has been a tricky thing to balance but I have really come to acknowledge this deep human need in myself and somehow that allows more understanding and kindness.
Luckly and through my commitment to myself, I had the compassionate and consistent support of an amazing life and health coach, Ashleigh Tobin. She has a great ability to see the strengths in a person, in this case me and she nudges me along the road to find it myself. Sometimes its much more than a nudge especially when I am enjoying my ‘poor me’ story too much! I have been and continue to learn to stand on my own two feet. And to feel the edges a bit more, to be kinder to myself, to see when I am being mean to myself and to hold a little compassion. Now I can risk being a little more myself and if I don’t always fit in and everybody doesn’t love me, well at least I like myself, more often than not.
So yes, we can be mean and greedy. We operate from scarcity and take more than we need. We live in fear and create all kinds of conflict but at the heart of it, we just want to survive, we just want to be worthy of love. How we grow up not knowing that we are loved is a great sadness. But in the moments where we let go of those inhibitors and connect, whether it is with a butterfly, a river, a child, lover or a stranger on the street it is beautiful. Those moments are exquisite, showing a glimpse of our essence or perhaps showing us what it means to be human. So I human, just human, imperfect and beautifully human, warts and all. And it feels like a deep privilege to be here on this planet and mostly, I love the journey!